When a loved one hurts you, is it possible to love them even more?

No, this is not a mushy, lovey-dovey story about how I had a boyfriend and he dumped me and I got hurt. No, that’s not what happened.

There is really no exact way to explain this. You know those dark emotional corners of your life where you can make out vague shapes but you don’t really know what’s exactly there? Or if you haven’t had that experience, you might have at least had the experience where a person is lying to you, and you see a flicker of emotion in their eyes for a millisecond which could give them away, but you can’t identify it?

Well, that’s the best way I can frame my thoughts to explain my unfathomable feelings to you. Perhaps you’ll see this as an unimportant thing which may or may not have happened to you once, for a second.

But I think that if you really consider the tiny little unexplainable things that happen in your life which so many people, maybe even some psychologists and philosophers shrug off, you’ll be able to bring light to some of the dark corners and identify the shapes.

So here’s what happened to me: my best friend, whom I love with all my heart, lied to me. Yeah, she did it for a good reason. And the lie was so huge that although I knew she did it for a good reason, I knew she had a choice; it wasn’t that she should’ve lied. She did have the choice of telling the truth. And I was naturally very hurt. So hurt that I cried. And yet, I was not mad at her. At all. Not in the least.

The really weird thing was that, in that moment, I really needed her, and I loved her so much more. I couldn’t understand why, though it felt like I did, and . . . it felt like a natural thing to do, like breathing – it was like, of course I love her more. How could I not? I was not mad at her in the least, even though I was majorly hurt. I called her that night and explained my feelings to her, and we talked for a long time. I was still hurt, but I couldn’t not talk to her. I was almost scared to keep the phone.

It brought us much closer, closer than we’d already been. Although neither of us could understand my feelings, we connected so much that night.

I still don’t understand my feelings, but as I said before, always, always, keep in mind the little things that you can’t understand about your life, no matter how small they seem, even if they have nothing in connection to my story. And if it’s about another person, don’t keep it to yourself. If I’d kept my feelings to myself, they would have either eventually built up or faded away, and who knows, I might have lost something important, maybe even my friend.

No matter how unimportant that little part of your life might seem, never forget it, never let it go away without understanding it. I know most people like to forget the parts of their lives which they might consider sad or weird, or whatever. They might not understand those little pieces of their lives sometimes. But even if you feel like a weirdo or freak, you have the right to understand every single part of your life. Think about those unexplainable feelings or things that you did, or thought. Try to understand them. It might take a long time, even years. But one day, I assure you, you’ll get it. One day, it’ll just click.

And when you do understand, you might have a negative or a positive reaction to it. But whatever it may be, at least you understood it. At least you didn't die still now knowing. You won't regret it.