I made my choice

I have spent a lot of time, wondering when I would have the guts to do it. Sometimes I would be desperately searching for the blade, then ending up crying in a pile on the floor when my fingers were too frantic and my eyes were too blurred to find it. Sometimes I would be calmer and would find it the moment I walk into the room – I know exactly where it is kept since I finger it every day, wishing I could satisfy the metal that yearns for my blood.

But I couldn’t respond to that tantalizing voice that whispers my name, almost seductively, coaxing me to just do it. It’s just a cut. Until now, I have succeeded in ignoring the voice. It fades away, disappointed. Because when I see that blade, the first thought that comes into my head is the ones I love – the few ones who have always stood by me, the ones who have been the only reason I’m still alive. I restrained myself just for them.

But it can’t go on for the rest of my life. I’m just not destined to get baggy skin and cloudy eyes. I know you’re supposed to prepare for the worst, hope for the best, work hard in life for your passion, choose what you think is the right path for you and leave the rest up to destiny. But I have chosen my path – to take my destiny and my life into my own hands.

I take a deep breath, and pick up the small but significant tool, my fingers running over the gleaming silent metal whose edges scream a thousand wordless thoughts. It’s beautiful – how just one slash of pain has the potential to bring utter bliss. My steady fingers press the blade to my wrist, bringing together warm blood and cold metal – like a couple embracing after a million years of silent yearning.

My vision blurs frequently, and then becomes clear again, like a throbbing pulse. I watch, drugged, as the blood flows down slowly in a straight glistening, crimson line. It bifurcates into two, three, four lines; beautiful patterns contrasting with my pallid skin. They become smudged when I stumble. I watch as the elixir of my life flows out, as my life leaks out of the physical realm where my mental senses are contained. It’s a cliché, but unfortunately, my life runs before my eyes like a fast-forwarded horror movie. No, I don’t want a flashback! I immediately squeeze my eyes shut and uselessly cover my face with my bloody arms, but to my dismay, it keeps running, uninterrupted, on the insides of my eyelids, and then it’s over. Whew.

My image blurs, and so does the pain. This is it! I can still feel my life being cruelly sucked out of me, but it is almost over. And then, I am no longer seeing or feeling. My soul and spirit take full control. I am no longer contained inside the walls of my body. I have finally burst the bubble.

Quiet, calm relief envelopes me. I’m finally at liberty, finally free from the clamps and chains that have been trapping me to the face of the earth, to my life. I can still feel the decision I made, to the core of my soul, in the eye of the hurricane. But I do not remember my worries or anything, even the reason why I am free. Ignorance truly is bliss.